Why don’t crabs give to charity?
“Life burns around me.”
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don’t worry, I’m not hurt.
“A nuclear bonfire.”
Why do melons have weddings?
“I died there.”
Do I enjoy making courthouse puns?
“Gnashing teeth and broken bones.”
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says
“The ground became a bloody mud.”
How do you make an octopus laugh?
“You’ll feel what I felt, give it time.”
Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
“I laughed as they melted.”
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
“I won’t let her forgive me.”
Can February March?
“I consume the dead.”
I was going to tell a joke about dogs but
“The sky turned black with parasites.”
I was addicted to the hokey pokey…
“I am the one with the blood.”
I sold my vacuum cleaner,
“We died again and again.”
What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
“I drank the blood from the mud below me.”
Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns.
“We sank ever deeper.”
Did you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be doing a movie about classical music?
“Help me.”
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean?
“The mud swirled with maggots.”
The rotation of earth really
“Terror, pure and absolute.”
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle.
“Blood and bile consumed the land.”
My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end,
“I want to go home.”
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line.
“I never should have left.”
My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I
“I was so afraid…but it felt so good.”
My friend keeps saying “Cheer up man it could be worse, u could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”
“The bones cut at our feet.”’
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
“The flies. They engulf the world.”