if you dont want to read some self-loathing, life questions and confused duck noises dont bother reading c:
Let’s get the main point out of the way. Yes, I’m adding to the amount of posts where the OP has a bunch of issues and rants to an online forum. Sorry for that 
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I don’t feel I’m that good at coming up with ideas and any form of art.
Most of my “cool” pixel art doesn’t fit RotMG very well, and when I try 8x8 and 16x16 I can never make my sprites look right. My ideas have either been done before or are too outgoing and wierd to be anywhere near viable or interesting.
Is this really true though? 
I used to constantly feel bad about myself and thought I could have depression. Went to a doctor who said I did have symptoms of some sort of mental illness. Back then I could be called an introvert, lacked motivation to do anything and confidence to speak up, had anger issues, all that jazz.
I’m not sure if I’m just mega confused about myself. Beating myself up because that’s how I always felt. I mean, one’s own opinion of their own works is usually bad.
unless they’re a very egotistical scumbag.but i dont think im that bad.
But to be honest, nothing I’ve ever made has made me feel proud of myself. They’re all unfinished fantasies of “what if I did this…” or some crazy idea that isn’t well thought out.
to be honest I don’t post much ideas anymore. Maybe I have the capabilities to make slightly competent ideas now? I don’t know
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That whole “I probably had depression” thing up there was when I was still in secondary school (English schooling, not sure if it’s the same in America), although more towards the end of my time there.
Now I’m more outgoing I guess. Tried to make friends outside of my social reject group (who are nice friends, but some are going to different schools n shit now so I gotta get used to college) and I’m trying to enjoy myself by being a (hopefully) kind and inspiring person to not only help others feel 
but myself too.
Although, I do find myself only being… Well, myself when I’m on these very forums, and when I’m talking to my older sister. Who is basically the reason I didn’t collapse in some lackluster sadness shit back then.
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Back onto the topic of ideas. Did I mention the Ideas Discord? I mentioned it once on some other off topic thread. I went up to it with a smile, accepted the public invite, and as soon as I was going to type some sort of “hey guys, it’s me ” in the general chat then I just backed the fuck up.
I probably have self esteem issues.
I’m constantly afraid of being metaphorically slapped for doing something stupid, idiotic, pointless.
Come to think of it, I haven’t made anything creative at all recently. Even being part of @Redox 's little project, I constantly make the excuse of “I’m working on it” and can never get round to doing anything because I procrastinate on how trash my sprites look and how I can’t nail down simple concepts…
speaking of, Redox you have some hella good art skills and unique ideas. Looking at your stuff I’m always saying to myself ‘yo Orsome git gud lel’ and ‘wish I could make cool stuff like that’. Same with JohnMH, their creations are so lovable
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The weirdest thing about myself is how I seemed to… For lack of a better adjective, “smash” out of my depression?? Some nights I spent crying about how trash I am at everything and others about how the world is slowly destroying itself. Then one night I just… Snapped out of it? I don’t understand this at all.
I’m still pretty bummed out about shit in real life, but I’ve somehow made myself break out of the constant cycle of sadness. I probably never had true, actual mental depression if I managed to just break out of it in one night, but I don’t know. Out of my tiny list of accomplishments being good at psychology is not one of them.
I DID try hard to stop myself feeling like shit. Maybe I just succeeded overwhelmingly well…?
Although now I feel a bit better about myself it’s SO DAMN HARD to go about this whole “I have confidence” thing. I often don’t feel like it’s legitimate.
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I also have really shitty organisation skills lol, one time in college I had three homeworks overdue for the same day and only just managed to finish them in between lessons and using my only free period of the day (wasting time I could have spent on the forums). I’m almost always late to everything, have a bad sleep schedule and can never get my priorities right.
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here’s one of the worst parts.
I stress eat.
People look at me, and they say “What the hell do you mean you stress eat? You’re literally thin. That’s not possible.” My uncle even once called me anorexic. But HONESTLY, given that the definition of stress eating is consuming lots of food in response to my feelings, I can say I stress eat. It’s going all right now, I’m eating fairly normally (which is to say, a lot), but when I get into an argument with my parents, or I do something really shitty to someone else, et cetera, then it kicks in and I walk into the kitchen and eat random stuff to take my mind off of my troubles.
It’s a problem.
Fucking hell, I’m in college as I’m writing this and I just took out a sandwich and started eating it even though I’m not hungry…
writing this a bit later, I ate my entire lunch at least two hours early even though I had breakfast
writing this even later, my friend offered to get me fast food and I accepted, had a fairly big meal. Dis defo problemo :c
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My parents, they’re alright. No abuse (hmm), treat me fairly well (most of the time?) and when times are good, we get along.
When times AREN’T good…
My mum generally is the boss in our home. She used to be pretty nice when she asked me and my siblings to do some chores around the house, if we didn’t, she just said “come on, go do it”, all that. She’s changed now. If we DO go on to do something, but we fail horribly or don’t do it properly, she can get pretty angry. She sometimes calls her OWN mum to complain, then my grandma calls me and gets angry that we aren’t obeying my mum. (Yes, obeying.) also she’s really catholic. That gets scary.“y’all gonna go to h e l l”
My dad generally ignores me. im fine with that for reasons given below
When my mum’s home, he just does his own thing.when she’s not home I hide in my room. I’m the one he hates most out of my siblings. It’s really awkward when it’s just us two, and when he’s angry then I usually just leave. He’s really patronizing towards me if we even speak.
I don’t really think I have a bad relationship with my parents, but, especially with my dad, I don’t feel like I can tell them about this sort of stuff. especially my dad O.O
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There’s other things, but I really don’t know what to address and how. This post? Maybe part apology to Redox for being a lazy shit and part call for help.
If anyone could come talk, suggest ways to keep me inspired, motivated, maybe discuss ducks to make me a bit happier, tell me I’m a fucking idiot for worrying all for nothing, then go ahead.
Are we the same person?
