Lately, I’ve been feeling like I fell out of a tree, but the branches keep hitting me as I keep falling. I’ve held off on talking about this for a while now because, “why bother telling people my troubles on a game forum?”
Well it’s come to the point where I don’t care anymore, and just want to vent instead of keeping it bottled up for another month.
Everyday feels like hell to me, some more than others.
Here’s some insight on my background.
I’m currently 18, work two minimum wage jobs, dropped out of college because I moved too far away from campus, live with relatives in Nevada.
I feel trapped here. My relatives raised me with the expectation in mind that I would’ve grown up to be like they are. Religious, traditional minded people.
The problem is they shoved their ideals so much onto me that it made me stray further from it as a result. But can you blame me? My father is a fanatic, I’ve nicknamed him The Hierophant. He’s constantly on Facebook making religious posts, bringing up controversial topics, politics about his country, and bashing LGBT. From those points alone I have all the reason to want to avoid him. My ideals are very different from his, I’m agnostic/atheist, don’t care about politics nearly as much, and I’m pro LGBT.
Often, he feels the need to call me out on not being like him… Very aggressively. The Hierophant kept telling me to “change my ways” today, and I started to get a headache from it because my ears are awfully sensitive. I also have a tendency to feel sick because I’m trying to fix my poor diet but it isn’t without some backlash. As I head to the bathroom he throws one of his shoes at me. I can’t stand this man anymore. But here’s the problem…
I can’t leave this toxic place so easily.
I’ve only got 1k saved up and in about less than a month all of that would be gone for food, bills, etc. Let alone not having enough money/credit for buying a house. Two minimum wage jobs that barely provide me enough hours in a week hurts. Right now the steps I’m taking is to get my license (Which is happening soon, I finally got some free time next week or so.) so that I can apply for other jobs. Right now my goal is to be a cop, but I need to fix my poor health first and work out a bit. Just a year ago I didn’t know what the fuck I was going to do with my life, and sometimes I still don’t but my mid-term goal is to escape this desert city and be happy. It’s a vague goal but who’s to say I can’t fill in details later? I also want to give one of my closest friends–Zephyr, a better life, as he’s been an immensely huge support to me and a rock to lean on in hard times. Zeph also helps me figure out a rough plan of what steps to take. From work, to health, to lifting the curse… His guidance helps me feel a little less lost.
The Hierophant on the other hand constantly slaps into my face how I can’t support myself without him, and knowing this he takes advantage of the situation and makes me feel like shit everyday. It doesn’t matter how hard I work or care about the future. He only wants me to throw in the towel and be his “ideal child,” well I say fuck him because I’m not obligated to be someone he dreamed about, not after all the beatings, punishments, and days where I was even too scared to come home after school. It’s his fault I haven’t lived a normal life either. I’ve moved 16 times across North America and transferred between 8-9 schools. I was never able to keep any friends I met, or establish a life anywhere. And when he asks me why I grew up to be such a crooked person the amount of rage built up inside of me kills me internally. This ALSO includes college, I had to drop out because The Hierophant decided to move to the outskirts of the town. I had to take two buses from my previous home to get to the campus, now it’s suicidal getting there. I’m not allowed to dorm either, I wonder why?
But you know what? It’s fine. If there were successful people who could make their life work out without college then I can too. I’ll either look into trade schools or just continue being a cop until I retire. But… I can’t help but feel jealous and sad when my brother in California is already a junior in college, majoring in business thanks to advice I gave him.
Some people tell me that I’m doing a lot for my age regarding personal success and the future, but then there are others who tell me I’m a lazy, antisocial, asshole who will never get married. I’ve mentioned it before, but my curse contributes a lot to the problem. I wasn’t born the person I know I am–in other words, the wrong body. That alone is a personal hell of it’s own, I won’t go too into detail with it though. Partially because I’m too scared to. Albeit some people already know what it is… But it changes their view of me forever, even if they like it or not.
The Hierophant forces his ideals on me with that too. I can see why as it’s how I physically appeared to be for years… But deep down I’ve always felt the opposite. I have no problem being the opposite either. Everyone just sees me as they should. Everyone except for him. He does not care if it physically hurts me everyday, or if I go to such lengths to pass off as “okay.” I have even more troubles to deal with regarding that in terms of money, I might need potentially as much money as buying a second house just to lift that curse. It sucks, but I have to deal with it. Aren’t relatives supposed to support their children instead of forcing them to be who they aren’t? Or is it just some half-baked American ideal that was gone unsung in school?
The only other option is to die… which I’m not doing. So don’t worry. But I’ve had/still have really heavy chronic depression. I was a fool and stayed up until 3 AM once which is the WORST time to be pondering about life. A lot of inner demons started to jab at me from the past, and the Moon in the Gutter started echoing in my head.
I never felt so crushed in my entire life because I realized I have nothing to live for yet I was too scared to end it all and die.
I’ve pondered about suicide in the past before and bluffed about doing it in really depressed episodes. But no moment came as close to that one. Luckily Zephyr came through to me, refused to leave me alone until I felt better. It took about a week to get out of that numb, gloomy state but he managed to do it. For that reason alone I’ll always consider him a dear friend because he reached out to me when no one else did when it mattered most.
Anyways… Enough mush and gush from me. I just want to know if what I’m doing is right. If I have any hope for the future. I’m blind from all the negativity thrown at me at home and I can’t measure how close I am to leaving this hellish place behind me and living a normal, better life with Zephyr. From constantly hearing that I’m a “fool” and going against “god’s will” I’m starting to lose grip on reality for what it is. My greatest wish is to have enough power one day to leave and yell back at The Hierophant that he can go fuck himself for being an awful father to me for years and that I’m not obligated to meet his dreamed-up expectations. Also, I’m sorry if you actually troubled yourself and read the entire thing without skimming. I went off on a tangent in some places. I could use advice and support…
) hate each other, and are arguing constantly. I was merely a messenger in their arguing, they didn’t want to even speak with each other.
