Wip story

#1

Closed for now, might post later when it’s actually decent

#2

you are feedpower

#3

same

#4

are u hungry :wink:

#5

hm

#6

I’m hungry for you bb :wink:

#7

I know I’m late but this is very nice. :ok_hand: I’d love to see more :stuck_out_tongue:

#8

@YesButNo First issue with the story, is that you don’t give us a description of ‘ace’, nor Etherlred. As such, it makes it quite difficult to discern what these characters look like, let alone what they are capable of.

Another gripe I have, is that the story starts in the middle of a battle, with no prior buildup to it, thus losing elements such as suspense or the ‘Hero’s journey’.

The two characters are also extremely flat characters with no discernible personality beyond ‘We want loot’. so its quite difficult for anyone to relate with the characters, let alone root for them.

Additionally, there were also several parts that sound quite awkward to me, when I read it.

Overall, I would give it a 2/5.

#9

@Wilhuff yea ive given up on this im more comfortable with comic format. I included a Xaklor cameo because yeet. I will provide more background on the characters, but ill mostly be drawing my comics.

Also the grandiose narration is supposed to be ironic

#10

updated.

#11

So far, only read the first 2 pages and I can already see a lot of issues.

One of the key things in good storytelling, is ‘show, don’t tell.’ I feel you’re trying to overexplain everything in certain parts; you should let the reader figure things out themselves or like ‘feel’ it, y’know?

@YesButNo
You got discord by any chance?

#12

yea

YesButNo#9995

#13

@mods close this topic maybe? don’t wanna share this with everyone just yet.

#14

Check discord.

#15

image

#16

Ok

#17